There are apparently slightly different stages of grief with suicide and this doesn't mean that they will happen in some order or that they will occur in even time increments. However, knowing this and knowing that my illogical reactions and emotional outbursts have a psychological base behind them, doesn't make me feel better. I also read somewhere that if you don't deal with the full process grief at the time a loss happens, you deal with that loss in addition to another loss when the other occurs. Fuck!
What Stephanie said about it being the way someone dies that affects you explains my extreme emotional reaction and darkness I entered into this last weekend. I have now successfully destroyed a friendship with someone who was just checking on me on Saturday. My flat is also state of condemnable disarray, which I suppose reflects how I feel internally.
I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make this better and that I have to go through my own shit in my own way. I also know that feeling sorry for myself won't make things better (which was what my friend basically said to me while I was hurling abuse at him). Blogging helps in some weird way, but what I really need to do is log off this computer, quit searching for more news about Ray, John, and Ruby's suicide/murder and log on to my own life.
As I said before if this tragedy is affecting me like this, how the hell are those who knew Ray more recently and more closely than I did dealing with it?
Now playing: Radiohead - Sail To The Moon (Brush The Cobwebs Of The Sky)