Friday, 27 February 2009

Yup, I'm Commitmentphobic!

J- and I are having some problems, which I'm not going into for obvious reasons. Last night we had pretty heavy talk. Towards the end of it J- said, "So, what you want from me is a bit more commitment?"

"WHAT??!! NO!!" I blurted, my heart racing. "Not a commitment. We're not seeing other people. Isn't that a commitment already?"

Yeah, I have issues.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Inner Angst Cure

I've been down in the dumps for a few weeks now. I'm excellent at hiding it. My friends had no idea that I'd been blue unless I told them. Aside from one cryptic tweet which read, "Woke up seeing things differently. Maybe I need glasses? ;) Seriously, it's past time for a few changes difficult as that may initially be," I remained silent. And even then when I did mention something I made a joke about it. Why should I let the world know of my inner angst? It's MY inner angst after all.

Then again knowing people care about you and are concerned is nice. I got a concerned tweet back from a friend and then I told a few people was up. However, aside from almost bursting into tears while I was at the pub with Linds on Thursday, I more or less just wallowed in my own pain silently.

When I'm depressed I drink..... a lot. I started drinking a lot two weeks ago and that's when the pain really started. I could feel it in the back of my head, but refused to acknowledge it's existence. Thus, the drinking. I joked about my four day drinking binge- celebrating my Fridays on Thursday and continued celebrating Friday throughout the weekend finally stopping on Monday. Fortunately I had the week off for half term break. Despite my self medication, slowly and surely the pain slithered in. I continued to drink through my half term break, although less zealously on through the weekend and by this last Monday there was no denying it. I was seriously depressed and teetering on the brink of who knows what.

There are several reasons for my depression, but I'm not going to go into them now. After all, they're depressing. So after getting practically falling down drunk for about the 8th time in 2 weeks on Thursday (I was a barrel of drunken laughs after almost bursting into tears), I decided that I needed to follow what I had said in my initial tweet just two days before. I needed to make some changes.

First, the most obvious one- cut down on my drinking if not stop altogether. I'm not an alcoholic...yet. But if I keep drinking like this, I will be.
Second, eat healthier. I've been eating like crap lately too.
Third, limit the time I'm on the internet and in front of the television. It's pathetic. I'm online and sitting in front of the telly about 6 hours a day on average. It's not like I'm doing anything aside from updating my Twitter status and chatting with people on messenger. Hell, I'm not even blogging.
Fourth, exercise more. I am always a lot happier when I exercise regularly.
Fifth, write more. Work on that damn book that's been rambling about in my brain. I just won't be logged in when I do this. Or, maybe I can write the old fashioned way-with a pen and paper.
Sixth, only work 2 hours after the work day is ended at the most or on the weekends. I tend to overwork when I'm depressed too. Keeps me from thinking about the troubles gnawing at my soul. Issues, by the way, which can be dealt with.

This brings me to my final the most import step. I need to take action and tackle all the reasons bringing on my internal turmoil and dark thoughts. They aren't too big or too numerous that they can't be dealt with. There's a great song by the White Stripes called "Little Acorns," which will be my theme song as I get on top of all this. I am blessed with good health, a decent job, supportive family and friends and a roof over my head. With those gifts I'll buck past this angst I'm certain. If after instituting this plan I still have dark thoughts and am my self-destructive behaviour continues, I will seek professional help.

As always, writing this all down has been therapeutic. And now for your entertainment, here's "Little Acorns."

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Guilt upon Accusation?

Sounds like the Salem Witchcraft Trails, but it's actually New Zealand's copyright law.

New Zealand's new Copyright Law presumes 'Guilt Upon Accusation' and will Cut Off Internet Connections without a trial. Join the black out protest against it!

Sunday, 8 February 2009

My Inner Spirit

I love quizzes like this, especially when I think the result is highly accurate.

What's your inner spirit?

You feel free. Your loyal to your friends and family and you stick up for them whenever trouble comes about.
How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

Foxy is Back!!!

I still haven't seen him, but I heard him (or her or them) tonight. It was quite creepy. It sounded a bit like this, but went on for about 10 minutes, which leads me to believe that perhaps it was Foxy and his/her offspring.

Foxy being foxy has been getting busy.

I really have missed foxy and our moments of looking into each other's eyes. It would be nice to catch up with him (her) again. Especially considering all the changes.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

How'd I Get To Be So Damn Smart?

I think that I'm the last person that one would want to seek out for relationship advice. After all I'm a selfish passive aggressive OCD commitment phobic with a fear of abandonment. This is, admittedly, my own completely unbiased diagnosis. You know, J- must be an extremely patient person to put up with me and all my relationship oddities. Perhaps it's best that we're separated by 150 miles and don't get to see each other frequently. But, I digress.

In the last three days I've had three chats with female friends (one by messenger, one by email, and one over a meal) and apparently I said some pretty wise stuff. Who knew? All these women thanked me after talking to me. I'm not going to go into detail about the conversations in order to protect my friends' privacy, but the most recent conversation ended with a friend thanking me for my advice. My response was, "I gave you advice??" She said yes and that my conversation with her had given her some perspective that she couldn't get elsewhere. That's when it came to me...

I'm going to begin a radio talk show and call it "The H Perspective". My friend told me that my tag line for the American version should be "The Viewpoint from Across the Pond".

Hmmmmm perhaps a podcast to discuss people's personal issues? And maybe I shouldn't call it "The H Perspective". Maybe I should call it "The Accidental Therapist".

Then again, like I said, I'm the last person I would want to seek out for relationship advice.

Some Cool Dudes (Warning: Adult-well big kid really-Content)

It snowed and snowed and snowed some more on London this past week. London's infrastructure isn't really prepared for this amount snow, so the city ground to a halt. Our school is located in Cobham, which received more snow than London, and down a bit of a windy road making it near to impossible to get to. Thus, there was no school for students or staff on Monday or Tuesday. So what did I do?

Took advantage of it of course and played. On Monday I chose to lie in and thus missed the snowball fight between my Surbiton friends and a family with children (the children kicked their butts), but I woke in time to meet Beka, join the rest of the bunch, drink some coffee with Baileys and then walk along the river walk into Kingston where we met John, who was the only one among us who had to work, for lunch.

And so, here are some pictures I took with my phone along the way....

First, here is the picture of the view of my street from my bedroom window when I woke up.

This is the park around the corner from me. It's across the street from Ces and John's house and was where the snowball fight that I missed took place. Notice the snowman in the lower right corner.

This was an accidental overexposure along the river walk into Kingston. I rather liked the way it came out. It looks a bit like a painting. Oh those people with their backs to the camera are my mates.

This is more what the river walk should look like.

Here are some cool dudes I saw along the way:


This is a mangy Starbucks drinking, cigarette smoking bench sitter.

These two guys were holding a sign that said, "Happy Snow Day!"

He was far too dashing to pass up:

Later in the evening, I went for a drink with my Surbiton pals at the Lamb. I heard rumour of snowman making that had occurred in the back garden. When I arrived, Mark told me I needed to check out the snowman because he was massive. And, Mark was right. That snowman was massive.

I think he has a bit of a dirty smile, don't you?

That was my Monday. My Tuesday was just a lazy day of marking papers and Facebook and twittering. I did manage to get off my sofa and out of the house to head to Beka's for pizza later in the eve. Today was back to work without students and tomorrow, weather permitting, we'll be back to business as usual. So that'll be two days of classes and then a week off-not too shabby.

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Helpless Feeling

I was at a girly sleepover last night at Em's when I got a text from McP telling me that Shaun's mum had passed away from cancer. I quickly sent Shaun a text with my condolences, but what I really wanted to do was climb through my phone and come out on his end and give him a hug. But, I can't.

Today, I found out that my friend, Steve, also lost his father to cancer. Both these deaths have been coming for a while, but I know from experience that just because you know a death of a love one is inevitable doesn't make it any easier. I'm sending Steve a text now, but again I just want to crawl though my phone....

Rae expressed how I feel pretty well here. Unfortunately, I can't even offer my sofa or give a real hug.

When my friends overseas are hurting, I hate that I made the choice to move here.