Sunday, 22 February 2009

Inner Angst Cure

I've been down in the dumps for a few weeks now. I'm excellent at hiding it. My friends had no idea that I'd been blue unless I told them. Aside from one cryptic tweet which read, "Woke up seeing things differently. Maybe I need glasses? ;) Seriously, it's past time for a few changes difficult as that may initially be," I remained silent. And even then when I did mention something I made a joke about it. Why should I let the world know of my inner angst? It's MY inner angst after all.

Then again knowing people care about you and are concerned is nice. I got a concerned tweet back from a friend and then I told a few people was up. However, aside from almost bursting into tears while I was at the pub with Linds on Thursday, I more or less just wallowed in my own pain silently.

When I'm depressed I drink..... a lot. I started drinking a lot two weeks ago and that's when the pain really started. I could feel it in the back of my head, but refused to acknowledge it's existence. Thus, the drinking. I joked about my four day drinking binge- celebrating my Fridays on Thursday and continued celebrating Friday throughout the weekend finally stopping on Monday. Fortunately I had the week off for half term break. Despite my self medication, slowly and surely the pain slithered in. I continued to drink through my half term break, although less zealously on through the weekend and by this last Monday there was no denying it. I was seriously depressed and teetering on the brink of who knows what.

There are several reasons for my depression, but I'm not going to go into them now. After all, they're depressing. So after getting practically falling down drunk for about the 8th time in 2 weeks on Thursday (I was a barrel of drunken laughs after almost bursting into tears), I decided that I needed to follow what I had said in my initial tweet just two days before. I needed to make some changes.

First, the most obvious one- cut down on my drinking if not stop altogether. I'm not an alcoholic...yet. But if I keep drinking like this, I will be.
Second, eat healthier. I've been eating like crap lately too.
Third, limit the time I'm on the internet and in front of the television. It's pathetic. I'm online and sitting in front of the telly about 6 hours a day on average. It's not like I'm doing anything aside from updating my Twitter status and chatting with people on messenger. Hell, I'm not even blogging.
Fourth, exercise more. I am always a lot happier when I exercise regularly.
Fifth, write more. Work on that damn book that's been rambling about in my brain. I just won't be logged in when I do this. Or, maybe I can write the old fashioned way-with a pen and paper.
Sixth, only work 2 hours after the work day is ended at the most or on the weekends. I tend to overwork when I'm depressed too. Keeps me from thinking about the troubles gnawing at my soul. Issues, by the way, which can be dealt with.

This brings me to my final the most import step. I need to take action and tackle all the reasons bringing on my internal turmoil and dark thoughts. They aren't too big or too numerous that they can't be dealt with. There's a great song by the White Stripes called "Little Acorns," which will be my theme song as I get on top of all this. I am blessed with good health, a decent job, supportive family and friends and a roof over my head. With those gifts I'll buck past this angst I'm certain. If after instituting this plan I still have dark thoughts and am my self-destructive behaviour continues, I will seek professional help.

As always, writing this all down has been therapeutic. And now for your entertainment, here's "Little Acorns."


Attila The Mom said...

Good Golly, I hope you feel better soon! thinking about you.

H~ said...

Thank you very much. Felt better after just writing it-not feeling so glum today.

mrsb said...

Sending you positive thoughts. If you ever need an ear to vent to, I'm here!

Raechelle said...

Big hugs, ~H.
I think we all can relate to the spiral. It's never a good thing to drink yourself into oblivion, but at least you came out of it more aware. Some people don't.

Hope things perk up soon.