I just had a quick email exchange with someone (she knows who she is) and a little light bulb went bing.
And it all made sense.
I'm quite selfish.
Now, I know I'm nice and giving when it comes to my friends. And, I've been accused of being too giving to (and sometimes by) my ex's. But oh no, that's all a façade. It's a ruse to make you think..."Awww H is so lovely. She's so sweet and nice and giving and funny. I wish she would meet someone as great as she is."
Well, don't you worry. I do meet men as great as I am. They are all selfish too.
Fact is I don't really want to share. I don't really want to give up my time, my space, my travel, my right to leave dirty dishes in the sink and bras on the floor. I want to keep my precious time to myself. I'm greedy.
Let's take a look at my 3 most pressing concerns currently. 1. Will I have enough money to go to Malta to celebrate Mark and Marissa's Wedding, Scotland for Dawn and James's wedding, the US for Christmas and New Year, and New Zealand to visit Laura and Bryce and meet little Mica? 2. I need to lose weight and get fit again, and 3. Is my jet lag finally gone and will I be asleep in an hour?
I'm not worried about my partner or my kids. I'm not being affected by anyone else's problems on a deep intimate and daily level (touch wood that my family remains in good health-that is the only area where at this point I would be affected quite deeply). I read about other peoples problems and feel for them, but at the end of the day the only person I really worry about is me.
I like playing with my friends' kids or babysitting and giving the kids back. I like going to other people's weddings and being touched by the amount of love and sharing between them and celebrating their love with the rest of our mutual friends and acquaintances. Thank goodness someone can share like that.
I went to a psychic once who said to me, 'It's hard to learn how to stand with someone else when you have been standing alone for so long.' With a few exceptions where I had a taste of a serious relationship here and there, I have been standing alone for a very long time. You know it's funny. I can't smoke whole cigarettes any more. I will on rare occasions light them for people and take a few puffs before handing them back. Maybe that's how I am with relationships too. I just want a drag, not the whole cigar.
When I was 35 my biggest fear was that I would get to be 40 and not be married and not have kids and not (gasp) even have a boyfriend. And guess what? I'm 40. I'm not married. I don't have kids. I don't even (gasp) have a boyfriend. But, I'm having a pretty damn good time.
So, when Mr Poopy Pants, as I now call him, asked me, "Why aren't you married?" I should have simply said.
"I'm a selfish bitch."
If I were 3 my preschool anecdotal record would read, "Plays well with other but has difficulty sharing."
So if you'll excuse me now I need to pack for the weekend as I'm off to V-Fest.