Sunday, 3 August 2008

Missing Anniversaries Can Be a Good Thing

Ahhh the joys of technology. I'm writing this while sitting in the back seat of my parents' car on our way to Myrtle Beach. I've reverted to being a teenager just as I was on our road trips of old. I'm plugged in and tuned out. Only this time I'm not tuned out to my walkman and variety of tapes. I'm tuned out to my laptop and iTunes. I'm adding songs to my Nano from my laptop. Ok, I'll be honest. This is my work's lap top and work's Nano. I have them because of my course. Might as well use them for my own enjoyment on my holiday, since I have to work as well.

And here it is August 1. It hit me today that I skipped right past the end of July without my usual despondent depression that usually hits. The end of July has not been a happy time for the last 13 years, but this year for some reason I hardly gave it a thought. I'm feeling a little guilty about that.

But not too guilty. Thirteen years ago when my life went to hell, I cursed the summer and the bright sun that was beating down on Seattle at the time. And now a few days ago the anniversary of Scott's death passed and the day after, what would have been his birthday passed, and I didn't realise it. This is the first time in 13 years that the dates didn't ring in my ears like a really hurtful high pitch noise. I would like to think Scott's pleased about that.

Last night I wrote an email to a friend, who went through her personal hell this year. And when I awoke today I realised the dates had passed of the beginning of my personal hell 13 years ago without me noting their significance-thus this blog. Ahh but my battery is dying and of course I have no internet connection so I'll continue this later.

It's much later now. I'm typing away in our hotel room. My brother and I are watching Bill Cosby on The Tonight Show and almost peeing ourselves from laughing. We've had lovely day. All four of us were in the ocean, in the pool, eating and drinking too much, and enjoying ourselves overall.

I just read what I typed previously and do I have something deep to add? No, not really. We all go through our own personal hells. Sometimes some of us, quite unfairly, go through more than our fair share of hells. Some of us bring hell upon ourselves, but more often than not hell is created by a circumstance that we can't control. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no magic formula that says that one person will get so much and someone else will get more or less. Don't get me wrong. Ideally I'm a believer in karma. In fact, I subscribe to the belief that everything you do will eventually come back to you three-fold. But, that doesn't mean I'm correct. It certainly doesn't seem like the universe distributes our hells evenly or fairly. Hell is what it is.

So, I'd like to think that where ever Scott is he is pleased that for the first time since he passed over that the days of his death and birth went by without my notice. Maybe the ritual I did last year helped, who knows. (The blog about said ritual is here) I still think about him. I still miss him, and as I said I do feel a bit guilty that these days went by without my notice. However, I think it says a lot for my state of mind and being that it took me two days to acknowledge that this happened. Yay me!

1 comment:

mrsb said...

Better to be remembered in happy memories than sad anniversaries. I'm sure he is pleased that you aren't dwelling on the negative.