Yet again, another cryptic post. Perhaps that's my true superpower, and my superhero name should be Cryptonia. But, doesn't that make my secret weapon Cryptonite (Kryptonite)? If so, wouldn't that make me a super villain? Sorry. Digressing...
The title of this post makes it sound like I'm going to off myself, doesn't it? Don't worry. The complete opposite is true. I've not given up hope in despair...well...okay I kinda did, but I'm not in despair. There's a sense of freedom and joy that has come from finally and at last just giving up and accepting that I have absolutely no control over said situation. There's nothing I can do that will lead to the outcome I desire. Phew.
Giving up hope doesn't make you feel hopeless. It makes you feel hopeful.
Of course if you're a buddhist, you already know that. Hope can be detrimental because it focuses you on an outcome and brings you out of the present. It also breeds desire, and while desire fulfilled brings happiness, that happiness won't always last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Plus, unfulfilled desire leads to unhappiness, but fortunately that also won't last forever.
So, when you have a desire (like I did) and you hope and hope for that desire (like I did), only to be disappointed and maybe even a little heartbroken (like I was), and finally just say, "Fuck it," and let it go, it's a bit disappointing at first, but then it's liberating. Not the type of liberation of a prisoner coming out of a dark cell after many years. More the feeling you get when you have way too much on your plate and someone offers to do one of your most menial, time consuming tasks. It's as if you've been released from a tedious burden.
I don't think giving up all hope is a good thing, however. I am still hoping to increase my cycle speed, and that leads me to choose healthier diet and behaviour. If I gave up hope on that, I'd probably start to drink and eat more and become lethargic. At the same time increasing my cycle speed is an ongoing hope that never ends and a bit different from a final goal or end desire. Increasing my speed is not an object or person. I'll admit it's a bit disappointing when I get stuck in a rut and don't improve, but it also keeps me going. I do it more for the joy of the activity. After all, a hiker doesn't hike up a mountain purely for the view at the top. It's the journey not the destination that keeps the hiker going. For me the reward of pizza at the bottom also helps. I've digressed again, haven't I?
So, this is starting to be my year of wisdom. Two days in and two wise adages.
First, if it's meant to be, there's nothing you can do to fuck it up. You just need to accept the fact that it may not be meant to be.
And now, giving up hope doesn't make you feel hopeless. It makes you feel hopeful.
I also seem to be saying fuck a lot.
As you were.