Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up is my least favourite thing to do next to toilet cleaning. Even if I've only been out with someone once or twice, I can never bring myself to say, "I'm sorry. I'm just not interested." To me, that just seems so mean. Somehow in my head it's better to make up a story. Note: I did not say lie. I said story. A story is much better than a lie.

The story that's worked the best for me when I've only been out with someone once or twice is:
-I really like you, but you remind me too much of my brother and I can't seem to get past that. It's weird. I'm sorry.

Some stories I have wanted to tell but have kept in reserve are:
- The term is ending, so I'm going to be super busy doing grades and writing reports for the next 10 weeks.
- I met someone else. Yes, that is fast since we just went out for the first time yesterday, but I'm fast. In fact you probably wouldn't want to date me because I'm so fast. No, I'm not going home with you now.
- I'm really ill and the doctor seems to think it's something I've picked up on my travels in Asia. Apparently it's highly contagious, so I'm going to have to live in a plastic bubble for a while.
- My ex just got out of jail so I'm going into hiding. You should too.

Even after having a significant long-term relationship go pear-shaped, I can never seem to end it properly, but I will eventually end it. There's usually an "It's not you; it's me," message involved- that is unless the guy was a complete twat. Then it's a "Fuck you and fuck off!" message. In the end I suppose it's the delivery of the message that's important. When breaking up with someone you want to do it in a kind, sensitive manner to save face and end up not looking like a horrid person, even if it's to tell your partner what they can stick up their lying, cheating ass.

Ways I've broken up with people that I really regret are:
-By text
-By email
-By messenger
-By standing up in the middle of my local and screaming at the person for being a shit.

Ways I've broken up with people that I've done reasonably well are:
-Over dinner
-Over a drink
-On the phone
-While on a walk in a scenic location
-By text
-By email
-By messenger

This summer had been absolutely fabulous with no need for me to break up with anyone until today. Today I had to end a seven year relationship with a man who has always been there for me. He always listened to me and provided me with comforting wise advice. And, he did all this while making me look and feel fabulous. That's right. Today I had to break up with my hair stylist.

Kevin (not his real name) is amazing with scissors. After every appointment I walked away with perfect hair that was easy to style. Plus, he only ever used Aveda products on my hair and I always got a glass (or two) of white wine and a neck massage. Why would I end such a fulfilling relationship? Kevin works in Surrey and over a year ago I moved to East London. He's just too far away and frankly too expensive.

Like every long-term relationship that I eventually end, I've been planning to do this for quite some time. I really didn't know how to tell him the truth. The "It's not you; it's me," message just doesn't work in this situation because it's not me. It's his prices and the fact he's inconvenient to travel to. That somehow seemed just to mean to admit. So, I launched a plot. I would simply cancel my upcoming appointment, play it like I was still in the US and that I wasn't certain when I could reschedule. This would probably be done with the receptionist and not Kevin anyway, so it wouldn't be so bad. Very passive aggressive of me, I know.

Every day since last week I woke thinking, "I need to remember to call the salon today and cancel." And, every evening I would go to bed thinking, "I need to remember to call the salon in the morning and cancel." Then finally today I got a text asking me to confirm my appointment on Friday. Fuck!

'Okay, this is it,' I thought and I picked up my phone and dialled the salon number prepared to hear the receptionist's voice. Alas, the voice on the other end of the phone wasn't hers. It was male. It was Kevin. Fuck!

I greeted him in a very breezy manner and asked how he was, etc. Then I told him that I was afraid I had to cancel and that I wasn't quite sure when I could reschedule. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. He knew I was ending it. No. No. I couldn't hurt him, not my dear sweet Kevin, so I asked him what he had available in the next few weeks. Fuck me, this wasn't going well. I was about to reschedule out of guilt, but then a miracle occurred.

Kevin told me he was off work for two weeks starting Tuesday. Hoorah! I tried to hide my glee while telling him a story about how I wouldn't be able to come in for the next five days, so I'd have to call back and reschedule when he returned. Somehow I managed to tell this story without giving a specific reason as to why I couldn't come in and slipping in a joke that made him laugh. Thus, it all ended on a good note. Phew!

So, now I just need to go somewhere else and get my hair, which is turning into a shaggy mess, done. My friend, Kim, has a fantastic stylist who is closer to me, charges less and serves champagne instead of white wine. I am not certain about the Aveda products or neck massage, but I'll trade the neck massage and white wine for champagne any day of the week and my Aveda addiction means that my bathroom is already similar to an Aveda spa. I just simply won't call Kevin to reschedule and if he does call me, I'll explain that I've met someone new.

Breaking up is hard to do, but at least I've done it...kinda.

Ch ch ch ch CHANGES!! (To be sung to the song of the same title by Mr Bowie)

Holy moly!

I'm moving. Actually leaving my lovely flat where I have been for 6 whole years and headed to the East End. I've been wanting to do this for years and now it's done and accomplished! After a journey of looking at houses and then deciding I should live on my own, we got the house we wanted. It also happened to be the very first one we saw. Whoop! I'll be an EastEnder in 3 weeks. Oh and ironically, the house my friend, Carolina, and I are moving to is right by a pub called The Queen Victoria. Look out Mitchells, you'll have a new punter in me.

In addition, the other night I made one of the best (but most difficult) decisions I've ever made. It started off in a rather stupid manner on my part. I picked a fight with a friend which was unjustified. He definitely did not deserve my tipsy tirade. However, it led to a conversation about why we were still friends after five years of rather complicated and sometimes dysfunctional relations. He said, "No idea, habit I guess." And that's when I knew it was finally time to call it all a day.

This isn't the first time I've tried to sever ties with him, but this time I went on to burn bridges so there would be no turning back for me. Address book->DELETE, MSN->DELETE, YAHOO Messenger->DELETE, Facebook->DELETE, LastFM->DELETE, Twitter->Stop Following, MySpace->DELETE and then I realised that I was linked up on here to both a blog where he posted a piece I'd written and a podcast I did with him. I have now unlinked those from my blog despite the fact it is my work and I should proudly show it off. Oh well. Finally, I put the nail in the coffin by posting about all this. He strongly disagrees about blogging for emotional purposes and we've had a long discussion about that in the past. If he reads this, which he may or may not do, I have no doubt that any temptation he might have had to contact me will be completely quashed.

I hold no ill will against this person. I care for him deeply and sincerely wish him well. It's just better for both of us if we're not in each other's lives any more.

Endings bring new beginnings. I'm moving to a new place. I'm meeting new people and I'm clearing out the old to make room for all this to happen.

My Thoughts on iTrust

A little piece in the Guardian yesterday caught my eye and the concept has been rattling around my head since.

There is now an iPhone app called "iTrust" which is designed to keep people from reading their partner’s emails. According to the article the application was written by 26 year-old Bob Nerberg from Oslo with help from his girlfriend. He insists that it will make relationships stronger and says, "It's something everybody thinks about in a relationship – is my partner reading my texts and emails? Now you can be sure."

What???

So what type of relationship does Bob Nerberg have with his girlfriend? Okay, I don't want to know that or really care to conjecture. But what does downloading this application really say about you and your relationship?

This application is great if you are a cheating philanderer or involved in any other dodgy type of business that you want to keep secret from your partner. Now I'm not saying that you should be open to your partner about EVERYTHING. It is, after all, rather nice to keep some sense of mystery in a relationship. But, aren't relationships meant to be established on trust? If you really feel that you must hide something from your partner because it may hurt them and/or possibly ruin your relationship, then you need to re-examine yourself and your motives not download an application that assists your unscrupulous ways.

This application is great if you don't trust your partner or are paranoid in general. If you are convinced that your partner is reading your texts, checking your Facebook account, etc., then by all means download this application. It will confirm one of two things: 1) your partner is a snooping busybody who either doesn't trust you or is out to get you or 2) you are troubled person with such an overinflated sense of self-importance you actually believe that people (your partner in particular) care enough about your business to read through your personal messages.

In a solid, healthy relationship you would have nothing to hide from your partner and would trust that they won't look through your phone without your knowledge.

So if you're in an unhealthy relationship, by all means download this application. It will make the dishonesty and lack of trust in your relationship even stronger and you can live unhappily every after.

One thing "iTrust" as confirmed for me is that I wouldn't ever want to date Bob Nerberg.

Start out as you mean to go on

Happy New Year!

Normally at this time I reflect upon the year and what I learnt as it progressed. Instead of writing a long detailed soppy post about all I experienced this year and the knowledge gained, I'll just sum it up in a list. Major events of 2009 included the following: a break-up, finding a lump in my breast that ended up being nothing but gave me a week of grief, having a long standing debt repaid and a friendship restored, painfully discovering what I thought to be a true and lasting friendship to be a sadly superficial one, passing the Life in the UK test and being granted Indefinite Leave to Remain, Dave and May's fabulous wedding, teaching a new year-level and receiving top marks and accolades in a rather challenging course. Not all of these received blog posts, but they're worth mentioning when summing up the year as a whole.

Now a new decade has arrived and as such I believe it deserves 10 resolutions. I started to tweet them as I came up with them, but decided to just lay them out in one neat blog post rather than just tweet away. So here they are in no particular order.

1) I will take better care of my plants.
I've been a horrid plant caretaker this year and have killed two plants due to my negligence. I've been a better caretaker of plants in my past, so I will do my best to rectify that and return to my good nursing ways.

2) I will buy a new electric kettle to replace my broken one and make coffee at home instead of buying pricey lattes.
Kettle has been purchased. It's actually kind of sexy. Is it wrong for me to think of a kettle as sexy?

3) I will make more and buy less.
I mean this and have started to do so with Christmas gifts this year.

4) I will keep a tidier flat.
No explanation needed here.

5) I will set aside at least 30 minutes five times a week to write for my own purpose.
It does not necessarily follow that I'll be blogging more, but I do intend to take my writing a bit more seriously than I have done in the past.

6) I will cook more and eat out and get takeaways less.
When doing this I will endeavour to be healthy in my meal choices.

7) I will work out at least 3 times a week for one hour.
It may be going to the gym. It may be running. It may be cycling. Whatever it is, it will happen for at least an hour 3 times a week.

8) I will put less effort into obvious superficial friendships and put more effort into the real and lasting ones.
Putting it mildly it's no fun when you realise that you're in a friendship that's a one way street and you've been kind, patient and giving only to receive little back. Or, possibly you are belittled and patronised by someone you once held dear. Both of these things happened to me this year and sadly more than once. Yet, I was forgiving and opened myself up to have it happen again and again. I am fortunate to have some wonderful people as friends and I shall keep them close and treasure them. Certain others I'll just leave be and respond politely to when contacted. No use ramming my head against a wall any more, even if I was wearing a helmet.

9) I will not repeat old mistakes.
I know what I'm talking about here. That's all that matters.

10) I will set my finances in order so I can buy a place.
I hate thinking about this stuff, but I need to and I need to do it now.

So, there we go. Ten (not so) little ways which I will change. And with this blog post, I hope that I'm starting out as I mean to go on.

Now I've got some cooking and tiding up to do.

Why Blog?

A few days ago I had an interesting conversation about my blog.

Yes, you read that right. I used 'interesting' and 'my blog' in the same sentence.

This discussion about my blog began innocently over the personal postings of my blog. A friend of mine and I have spoken about my blog from time to time. He doesn't get it. He'll read it when I write a little review or something to that effect that interests him and tweet about it, but other than that he doesn't see the point. We speak on a semi-daily basis and he knows all about my life, so why read about it? Also, he is vehement disagreement of my postings about my love life and when it has gone wrong. He has reason to be in vehement disagreement. Many, many, many years ago, long before I was blogging on Blogger even, he and I were an item and it went horribly wrong. He wasn't aware of my blog and in my rage I told the world what he did and directed them in an indirect manner to his MySpace profile by giving several obvious hints. Eventually he found it, read it, and deleted me from his friends on MySpace. We had words. I changed my post and he re-added me as a friend. Ironically, this whole incident opened us up to becoming friends somehow. And, we have remained friends since.

Since then I have been honest with anyone I may date about my blog. Not that they all dash out and read it. Believe me it says a lot about how someone really feels about you if they are dating you, know you have a blog and DON'T bother to read it. I tend to get a bit reckless with my blogging in those relationships, as if I'm daring them to have a peek. However, I still don't expose confidences. I also do not name them (Well okay, when I'm REALLY angry I have, but have since removed those names). I do, however, expose my feelings and insecurities about said relationships.

So we were having the usual disagreement about my blog and he brought up some interesting points. First, he pointed out that my posting about someone else and what they've done is the same as someone taking naked pictures of me and then putting them up but with the face blacked out. I did not agree. I said my angry posts about injustices were similar to someone taking pictures of me doing something wrong to someone else and then posting pictures of it for all to see but with my face blocked out. And, if I were caught doing something like that then yes, posting pictures with my face blocked out was justified

He pointed out that instead of blogging about it I should TALK to the person. I responded that with the exception of him I have always done both. In his opinion that's just weird. Who cares? Who reads that stuff? I said it was surprising the amount of people with voyeuristic tendencies. (However, in my head I was thinking about the average amount of visits Sitemeter tells me I get a day- five. Yes, five people a day read my blog and those who are not part of 'My Stalkers' to the right find it by accident while they're searching for something else. I love Sitemeter, but I digress)

Then he pointed out that people can and do change (he did) and just because someone did me wrong when that blog post goes up, it's up there forever. What if an ex’s new girlfriend came across it and judged him based on what was there. My response to that was 1. my name isn't even on this blog or any site linking to it, so aside from my picture how would the ex's girlfriend know it was me 2. no one who has done me wrong has their name on my site (anymore). Thus it would be a bit difficult for people who didn't know me personally to make the connection and 3. if my ex's girlfriend is researching my blog to find out about him, then my ex should be more concerned about the tenuous state of their relationship or the fact that he's possibly dating an obsessive bunny boiler rather than the fact that there's something not very flattering about him up here.

Finally, my friend said something powerful that stuck with me and has bothered me since. He said that in his view my putting up private details of a relationship was unethical. He went on to add that when I posted what I posted about him it felt like an invasion of privacy and a breach of trust. He also said that in the past few years he has sometimes worried about spending time with me in case he did something to piss me off and I posted a blog about it. That hurt... a lot. I didn’t have anything to say in response but to apologise over and over for something I did years ago and got a bit teary. He told me to stop being melodramatic and it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be.

Maybe I've just breached his trust again by posting this but he made some very valid points about my blog and that last one followed me around like a pack of yippy dogs snapping at my ass.

I took my bitten-up butt over to some friends’ house a few days later and told them about this conversation. My friends just laughed. “I can see his point about invasion of privacy,” one of them said, “but he’s one to talk about a breach of trust after what he did to you years ago. If you have remained his friend and trusted him for this long after all of your history, then he can trust you…and does. He was just making a point and you were being melodramatic.”

“Frankly," another added, "maybe we should all be worried about being called out for treating others badly. If we all lived in fear that unkind acts towards others would be posted for all to see, maybe we’d all treat each other better.”

Somehow I don’t see my blog as some type of societal moral policeman. And, I’ve not been too nice to people myself at times. Maybe somewhere there is an anti-H~ blog.

I had a hard serious think about the reasons why I blog and came up with the following reasons:

1. I blog when I have a thought that might possibly perhaps maybe be somewhat kind of a bit profound.

2. I blog when something strikes me as funny and I want to share it.

3. I blog when I've done or seen or read something interesting (or horribly dull) and I want to review it.

4. I blog to keep peeps back in the good ol' U.S. of A. updated on what I've been up to, although I've not been too good at that lately. They can find more about what I've been doing on Facebook or Twitter than on here.

5. Finally as previously discussed, I blog as an emotional outlet in lieu of therapy. It's psychologically purging to tell the world my thoughts and fears and get anonymous support (and sometimes free advice) either through comments or emails. And let's face it, when I'm angry I want to let the whole world know. I scream it from my rooftop and then after having a friend pick me up from the police station for a noise violation, I come home and quietly blog about it. Sometimes I'm quite open and a lot of times I exaggerate. I'm talking about being angry at things in general--from current events to love life kafuffles.

But maybe I should be a bit more editorial about what I put on here about my personal life. After all isn't it kinda like throwing stones in a glass house?

Stop by in a few months and see if I've had a change of opinion about being too personal.

Oh and if you're going to go back to my old blog to try to figure out who my friend is, maybe you should think about the quality of your own life. Why is who that friend is even important? In the greater scheme of things why was writing about all of this even important?

I think I've just entered some type of blogger's existential crisis.

Blog Makeovers

I've been thinking about my two blogs lately and how one has almost dwindled out of existence. I decided that this couldn't happen, so it's blog makeover time.

I began "My Luck with Cars and Boys" with the thought that I would take my past (mis)adventures with men and motor vehicles and spin interesting tales with them. Perhaps then I would have some interesting fodder for a novel...or at least the inspiration for one. However, I intimidated myself (if that makes any sense) with my own expectations of what this would become and I froze. The posts over there just ceased to happen.

I have decided that my blogs need to really reflect their titles. This blog is titled "H in London" and thus that is what the posts will reflect. My little (mis)adventures in my life in London and other places I might venture to from London. "My Luck with Cars and Boys" will reflect current and past tales of my luck or lack thereof in love. From this point on "H in London" will be love life free.

"H in London" has more readers than "My Luck..." for obvious reasons. Thus when I post a new post there, I'll let you know here. Hopefully this will revitalise and renew both my blogs and keep me writing and keep you reading as well.

And surprise! There is a new post on "My Luck with Cars and Boys.

As always thank you for reading. I hope you continue to do so.

Exdar

It's like radar, but it's all about your ex. They know. Some signal goes out. Some inexplicable signal and they know. They know it's time to get back in touch. Why is it that when you think you're over someone completely they send you a few texts, suggest you visit and meet their new dog and bam you're a sucker again?

It's hard not to be a sucker. You thought those feelings were completely gone. After all wasn't this the same Jerk who owed you money and you almost had to sue him? The same Jerk who was a prat when you thought you had breast cancer- yes him, H! Him! Run away! Run far, far away.

Oh and he's said that since things have just become more settled now he's going to become a different person in the next few weeks. To which you wittily inquire if he's getting a sex change. How very funny. How very flirty. STOP IT! WHAT, ARE YOU INSANE???

So what triggers said exdar? I have found that for me it is usually when I meet someone new that the exes suddenly remember my number. What blows me away about this current bout of exdar is that there is no one new. Uh... there is...ahem...someone old, however. Someone who has been around long before J-. That's not developing into anything and was just a bit of fun as far as I'm concerned. However, it was enough to trigger the ol' exdar.

And how do I know this is a case of exdar and not just a coincidence? Because there was more than one ex in the last 2 days who got in touch with me out of the blue. There were three of them. There was the aforementioned ex who inspired this posting and then two minor exes (if you can even call them that) who lasted about a month each. All for some reason only known to the universe decided to make contact yesterday and today.

Of course exdar works both ways. I recently began thinking about a university boyfriend for no apparent reason. I looked him up and sent him an email. Turns out he's getting married and he said I was the second ex to have gotten in touch with him. See, it's the mysterious powers of exdar at work. Its goal is to test your resiliency and resolve in this your new found place in life without your previous ex.

So, it's now up to me to resist this mysterious power which has brought my ex back into flirty communication. I must be strong to--

Oh excuse me. My phone's just beeped.

How Many Ways Do I Have To Stop Talking To You?

Right, so the modern world provides us with a plethora of technology that is supposedly meant to make it easier for its inhabitants to keep in touch no matter what the distance. However in my opinion, what it's really done is made staying out of touch more complicated.

When he first met me, J- paved several avenues of communication. He asked our mutual friend for my number and started texting me the day after we met. That same day he added me as a friend to Facebook. Later that evening he added my Yahoo messenger id to his MSN. Since there were technical glitches at times between Yahoo and MSN, he insisted on knowing my MSN id. I gave it to him and logged back onto MSN, which I hadn't used in about a year. About a month later he got himself a Yahoo id so we could use web cams (The Mac version of MSN doesn't support webcams). Then he discovered that I have AIM to keep in touch with my parents, so he added me to his AIM. He found out I have SKYPE. He added me to that. More recently he started following me on Twitter. I started following him as well.

When I stayed with him at his parents place he gave me a second mobile number that he now uses for work. Thus I had that too.

In addition to all of this J- would get on to Facebook, go through my friends and add all the ones he had just met. I thought this was sweet and was his way of saying that he wanted to know me better and intended on sticking around. What I wasn't taking into account was the fact that J- already had about 400 friends at that point. He is what I would call (and have called) a Facebook whore. Currently he has almost 900 friends on Facebook! Anyway, at the height of our relationship I had more friends in common with J- than I did with anyone else.

So it's over. I need some distance, but sheesh. What a pain in the ass this has been! I've had to delete two phone numbers in addition to about 500 texts and clear my phone log, so his number is nowhere in my mobile. This will prevent me from having temptation to contact him during those vulnerable 'I miss him' moments (drunk dialling or intextication will also be avoided). I did write his numbers down so that I have a way to get in touch if I need. He does still owe me money, after all.

And so on to the internet. As I mentioned earlier, I removed my profile from Facebook so I could avoid seeing (or having the temptation to see) what he’s doing. Before I did this I had to write about 100 people and explain simply to avoid worried and shocked emails. (I’m the last person you would expect to leave Facebook). Then, I stopped following him on Twitter. Finally, I proceeded to delete him from the four previously mentioned messengers. I didn’t block him, though. If he wants to chat with me he will. Plus, there is a bit of a charge knowing that if I am on line he will see me, but I won’t see him. (Yeah, I know. That’s a bit sick.) Eventually I would like it if we were friends, but right now I really just don’t want to think about him or see him if I don’t have to.

And so, I’m exhausted. In the days before all this technology, breaking up was so simple. You just threw out their number and didn’t call them. There were no computers to confront you with their existence and you didn’t have to delete your ex in 50 million ways.

My next boyfriend will only be allowed to write me emai--OH CRAP! I still have J-’s email in my yahoo and gmail address books!!

A Holiday from Facebook

I've decided to remove myself from Facebook for a while. Last night J- posted a status asking if anyone was up for going to a club in London Friday. I imagine the original intent was to go with me (or I'd like to think so), but regardless I don't need to see him merrily coming down on a Friday eve when one of our issues was that he couldn't be bothered to come down on a Friday to see me in the past as it was just too much of a hassle. However, if there is clubbing involved...

To be fair, I don't think that J- is a complete jerk. He may have acted like one in the last few weeks, but as I mentioned we had a good long chat and ended amicably. He does really want us to remain friends and eventually I would like to do so as well. Thus, I don't want to delete him entirely. However for now, I need to not see his activities constantly updated through my newsfeed. Even with changing preferences to hear less about him, I still see them and there is still the masochistic temptation to take a peek at his profile, which unfortunately I have been doing quite a bit since Monday.

But the most important reason for my Facebook holiday is that I'm a bit of a (HUGE) Facebook addict. I find that Facebook sucks up a lot of my free time when I could be doing other more productive and creative things.

And so, it's time for me to get back on track and become balanced again. And perhaps I'll be writing a bit more about more entertaining topics without constantly checking to see if J- is on line.

I Didn't Know...

that a human breast could be flattened and smooshed like that. Ouch!

And now I believe I have some explaining to do.

Almost 2 weeks ago I had a heavy discussion with J- where I had expressed my unhappiness with our relationship and stated what I wanted to be different. Afterwards I took a long hot bath. As I was bathing I thought it was probably the right time to do the regular breast check. So, I did. To my horror, I found a lump. I freaked.

Now our previous talk had concluded with J- saying that he needed to think about things. He had reassured me that he cared for me etc. but he wasn't certain that he was ready for the serious route our relationship was taking after being together for five months. Despite this my first instinct was to pick up the phone, ring him and tell him what I had just found. However, I didn't want to do that without any medical consultation. So I didn't. This was the Friday before last.

The weekend passed and J- and I had scheduling difficulties that kept us from speaking to each other. We sent texts, but that was about it. The conversation J- said he would finish remained unfinished and I was silently going through my own little piece of hell due to this unwelcome lump in my breast.

Okay, so I can never be completely silent. I told a few friends. On Sunday night, however, despite reassurance from a friend who had been in the same position as me, I couldn't sleep at all.

That Monday I had a doctor's appointment. It was confirmed that yes, I did indeed have a lump. The doctor said it was probably nothing serious but wasn't 100% certain. He referred me to a breast surgeon. I was terrified. Added to that was the fact that I didn't sleep much the night before and so I was wreck. I ended up telling J- about everything on messenger that night. I still wanted to finish our conversation despite this and asked him to ring me. He thought it was best to wait and that I should go to bed considering everything. I did and slept like a log.

The next morning J- sent me a text asking after me. He also chatted to me on MSN, but still didn't ring. The week went on like that. He would text and MSN and not call. I was riding an emotional roller coaster going from thinking all was fine to being petrified. On the bright side , there was a possibility that J- would come down to London on Friday due to work. The fact that I would see him made me feel better about a myriad of things. We would be able to talk through things face-to-face and he would provide me with the loving, calming support I needed.

The work arrangement fell through. I asked him to come anyway considering all that was going on for me. He wouldn't for reasons which all had to do with what was convenient for him and showed absolutely no understanding for what I was going through. I was angry. We had words on line. I asked him to ring me (it was this last Friday eve now) and he said he would. Then he sent a text asking if he could ring me on Saturday during the day please and that on top of everything else that was going with us was the camel's back for me. I didn't need this crap while also going through health concerns. Plus, when I had asked 2 other male friends what they would have done in the same situation, one had said he would have come down and one had said he would have already been down to see me. I was so annoyed I didn't respond to J-'s text.

Then he vanished. At this point all I wanted to do was finish it and get this relationship out of the way so I could focus on myself. I assumed that he was avoiding me because he knew what was coming. So I published this post with some Seinfeld clips for humour. However, I came to find out he wasn't avoiding me at all. He was in fact in hospital after cutting himself and had complications due to another issue. Boy did I feel bad, but not bad enough. It was still over as far as I was concerned.

So on Monday eve we finally spoke on the phone. I told him off a bit and ended it without being wholly confrontational. J- was apologetic. Apparently when we first spoke of our difficulties, he had thought and come to the conclusion that despite how much he cared for me, he couldn't give me what I wanted right now but we never had a chance to talk. Then I found my lump and he didn't feel like it was the appropriate time to tell me what he had decided. He thought it would be horrible for me to hear that he thought he couldn't give me what I wanted while I was going through this issue with my health. And suddenly it all made sense to me. Although he didn't say this, I now understood that the result of how he was feeling ended up with him acting like a wanker- texting and messaging but never calling and not coming down when I needed him the most. Thus, we ended things amicably and J- insisted that I let him know the result of my impending appointment with the surgeon.

As I said earlier I didn't know that a breast could be flattened and smooshed like that. Yesterday I was examined, mammogramed, and ultrasounded. My breasts have never had so many hands on them in one day! All the hands who felt my breast said they could feel the lump and the tests showed....absolutely freaking nothing!!

Apparently I have a hormonal fibrous condition which can result in cysts and will probably just get worse as I get older. (Great!) The breast surgeon said I should have mammograms every 2 years from now on and recommended I take evening primrose oil tablets as that usually helps. I don't really fancy having lumpy boobs, so I will be buying those tablets.

My luck seemed to continue yesterday as I discovered that the drinks were free at the London Bloggers Meet Up and then I won the raffle and now will be able to watch the rugby for free this May.

And so dear readers after 2 weeks of hell, I come to a happy ending. I'm single again but with no hard feelings, I'm healthy and I met some cool and interesting people last night while winning rugby tickets.

Now if I only hadn't woken up this morning ill...

Update!!!

So after posting this, I now come to discover that J- wasn't avoiding me. He was in hospital. Boy do I feel like a shit head now. Although for the reasons I'm thinking about ending this, I don't feel that shitty-just a little bit. Like one of those poop pebbles.

Anyway, at least I know now he wasn't a creep who was avoiding me because he owed me money. In fact he's sending it to me. So that's good. Phew!

I Wonder...

If you can't get a hold of your boyfriend to break up with him, is the fact that the relationship is over implied? Am I now free to date other people although I have not had the opportunity to tell him that I would like my life a lot better without him as my boyfriend. He owes me some money and has my keys, so I don't want to piss him off by ending it via text or email.

This reminds me a Seinfeld episode where George is avoiding his girlfriend, Alison, because he knows that she wants to break up with him. Here's a clip.



Perhaps I should get a mutual friend of ours to break up with him for me. This what Alison eventually had to do. Ironically the reasons Alison had or very similar to mine.



I'm hoping that when I do finally speak to him and let him know it's over, he doesn't behave like Maura did.



So should I just proceed with my life as though I'm single although I can't get a hold of him to end this properly or am I stuck as a lame duck girlfriend until he actually hears me say the words, "It's over"?

Many thanks to Seinfeld for providing me with humour about this whole affair.

Yup, I'm Commitmentphobic!

J- and I are having some problems, which I'm not going into for obvious reasons. Last night we had pretty heavy talk. Towards the end of it J- said, "So, what you want from me is a bit more commitment?"

"WHAT??!! NO!!" I blurted, my heart racing. "Not a commitment. We're not seeing other people. Isn't that a commitment already?"

Yeah, I have issues.

How'd I Get To Be So Damn Smart?

I think that I'm the last person that one would want to seek out for relationship advice. After all I'm a selfish passive aggressive OCD commitment phobic with a fear of abandonment. This is, admittedly, my own completely unbiased diagnosis. You know, J- must be an extremely patient person to put up with me and all my relationship oddities. Perhaps it's best that we're separated by 150 miles and don't get to see each other frequently. But, I digress.

In the last three days I've had three chats with female friends (one by messenger, one by email, and one over a meal) and apparently I said some pretty wise stuff. Who knew? All these women thanked me after talking to me. I'm not going to go into detail about the conversations in order to protect my friends' privacy, but the most recent conversation ended with a friend thanking me for my advice. My response was, "I gave you advice??" She said yes and that my conversation with her had given her some perspective that she couldn't get elsewhere. That's when it came to me...

I'm going to begin a radio talk show and call it "The H Perspective". My friend told me that my tag line for the American version should be "The Viewpoint from Across the Pond".

Hmmmmm perhaps a podcast to discuss people's personal issues? And maybe I shouldn't call it "The H Perspective". Maybe I should call it "The Accidental Therapist".

Then again, like I said, I'm the last person I would want to seek out for relationship advice.

25 Things You Might Not Have Known

I got tagged to do this three times on Facebook, so I decided to write it here on my blog and then it will upload to Facebook and I will tag away.

The directions are that you write 25 random things about yourself and then tag 25 people to do the same...

1. I'm an American, but I teach English in England.
2. I was born in Minnesota, spent my childhood growing up in Michigan and my adulthood growing up in Seattle, but it wasn't until I moved to England that I went to Switzerland and learnt how to downhill ski. Love it and have skied every season since.
3. I fall over, bump into something, or knock something over every day...yes every day.
4. I've been hit by cars twice- once when I was 11 and once when I was 21. I was very lucky and only received small scrapes both times, but my bicycle was not so lucky the second time. It was destroyed.
5. I've walked along the Great Wall and then left it via a cable swing thingy- it was quite a thrill.
6. Every man I've ever dated since I was 20 has either been some type of artist or musician or both. I don't seek them out, I swear!
7. I'm terrified of dark enclosed places like closets or basements. I have been ever since my Aunt Julie locked me in the basement when I was 3 after allowing me to watch 'Night Gallery'.
8. I'm the Narrator on the American version of the CD Rom Little Bridge. Once it comes out that is. We're still waiting for that, but at least I've been paid.
9. I'm beginning to think I might be rather dull as I'm only on 9 and am wondering how the hell I am going to think of 16 other things. Hey, I know. I can add!
10. From August to November I lost 14.2% of my body weight and gained £350 in our work's "Biggest Loser" contest.
11. From November until now I've gained about 9% of my body weight back. Look, not only can I add but I can also figure percentage.
12. I lived in Mexico for two years, travelled to many different places within Mexico, but never made it to Mexico City.
13. I sang in regular choir, jazz choir, church youth choir and madrigals. I also took vocal music lessons for 3 years and went to a 'vocal music camp' 2 summers in a row. I played piano from the age of 8 until 14 and also played flute. Now I have a keyboard in the corner of my flat that I haven't touched in 3 years. I still have a a deep appreciation for and a very diverse taste in music.
14. I've met the band Wilco and had a bit of a drunken conversation with Jeff Tweedy. He's nice.
15. When I was 9 my father refused to let me leave the table until I had eaten my Brussels sprouts. I sat there for 2 1/2 hours and then my mother sent me to my room Brussles sprouts untouched on my plate.
16. I had a cat, China, for 8 years when I was Seattle. I was constantly getting sick during this time. Then I moved to Mexico and discovered I was allergic to cats.
17. Russel Brand and Barack Obama are following me on Twitter. I don't know if that's creepy or cool. I'll go with cool.
18. My knees are scarred from falling off my skateboards, roller skates, bikes and out of trees when I was young.
19. I've been brainwashed by my boyfriend into becoming an Arsenal supporter. In fact as I type this I'm watching Sky Sports 1 to keep tabs on the game since it isn't televised tonight. They are losing 1-0 with only a few minutes left. No, my boyfriend isn't here. I'm watching because I want to and yes if we spilt up I'd still support Arsenal.
20. I called myself a Sonics fan but didn't realise they had left Seattle until I went back this past December. Screw the Sonics! (This also shows you how much I don't pay attention to pro basketball now that I live over here)
21. Arsenal just scored making it 1-1. In fact now that's the final score. I'm relieved.
22. I'm in the process of getting my UK Permanet Leave to Remain. In one year I'll be dual-citizen. (fingers crossed)
23. I set alarms on my mobile to remind of things. Everyday I am reminded when it's near time to leave for work and near time to leave for home. I don't really need those reminders, but they're comforting somehow. I also have them set to take out my rubbish or recycling or water my plants, etc. (I do need those ones at times)
24. I have horrible luck with cars. Not just being hit by them, but when I'm driving them. It's never my fault, I swear-and I've witnesses who will agree that it is never my fault. I no longer own a car. Don't really need to living here. I find not owning a car amazingly liberating and safer for me and others.
25. I tend to be distracted by my reflection. It's not a vanity thing but more like I need to make sure that's really me or that I'm really here. I annoy myself with this so I can only imagine how others feel.

YAY!!! I got to 25 and it only took me all freaking night! I'm going to bed and once this uploads to Facebook, I'll tag people. :-)

Twas the Day After Xmas

Spoke Too Soon

Of course as soon as I put down in words my frustration, J- contacts me and asks me to join him in town tonight and go clubbing with him.

While this makes me feel better, it doesn't solve some of the issues I'm having with this relationship. However, I do really enjoy his company and fancy him quite a bit too. I will have fun this evening and take it as it comes, which is what I really should be doing anyway I know. Vamos a ver (we'll see)

And tomorrow is Khrisslyn's hen-do. Good times to be had. I just wish I wasn't still sick.

Higland Happiness, London Lonliness

Again, it's been a while- usual excuses.

This last weekend was James and Dawn's wedding. It was absolutely lovely and a spectacular time.

Stupidly, I left my camera at home, so these pictures were ll taken with my phone. Here are a few snaps from the wedding.


The Ben Wyvis Hotel in Strathpeffer, where it all took place:

A bit of Strathpeffer:

Me in my dress with the cape on:

Me in my dress with the cape off:
(I had this picture taken to send to J-, who replied with 'Stunning')

A young kilted lad. His kilt was 22 years older than he was:

The happy couple cutting cake:

Dawn and Em and some lovely gentlemen:
(They were quite a fun lot. It was by far the best singles table that I have ever sat at.)

The beautiful single gals:
(From left to right Em, Sarah, me, and Holy)

The happy couple's first dance as a married couple:Holly had hired a car and she was quite familiar with the area we were having spent some time there. So while we were at the reception, she offered to take us on a bit of a Highland tour the next day. Our flight back to London wasn't until 3:50, so we all agreed. Here are some pics from that drive.

I don't remember the name of these two lochs, but they were quite beautiful:



This is Eilean Donan castle located on Loch Duich

And this is certainly a loch whose name you've heard before, Loch Ness.
Unfortunately, by the time we arrived at Loch Ness we were short on time and just barely made it to Inverness to get our flight home. Thus, I was only able to grab a quick picture and didn't get any quality time for Nessie watching.

And so home in cold, dreary London where I subsequently became ill and had to take two days off work. Back also to my love life. After the entire disappearing incident where all was explained things seemed to be progressing well between us. However, in the last four days the distance, barely having a chance to see each other, and other factors which are private have begun to weigh heavily upon me. Part of me thinks that once I see J- again, I'll have a better idea of my feelings. The other part of me wants to cancel next week's plans with him (We're not going to see each other this weekend either-that will make three weeks in a row without seeing each other!) and just get over it and move on with my life. However, I know that's just my frustration with all the previous mentioned factors talking and has nothing whatsoever to do with how much I like him. After all if I didn't enjoy his company so much, it wouldn't upset me that I won't see him for a while.

I'm in Hell

I'm in hell.

Hell is when someone vanishes and you don't know what happened to them, where they could be, or if they are okay.

J- was meant to meet me tonight (well at this point last night) at Arsenal tube stop. He was already in a foul mood as he was coming from Manchester (Man City Stadium) into London and Arsenal (ironically his football team) had lost pretty badly. Then, his train was delayed so we decided to meet at the party. He knew the area where the party was, as Arsenal's home stadium is there. I sent him a text with the address. At 9:45 I received this text.

"Still not in. Am getting really pissed off. Should be there in 20 minutes."

I responded that he deserved some serious pampering due to the day he was having, which I would give him. And, time passed. I rang him at 10:45 and it went straight to voice mail. Thus, I assumed he was in the tube. I continued to ring and text as it became 11:15, 11:30, etc. It always went straight to voice mail and I never received a response to my texts. My friend, Bambos, rang National Rail Enquires at midnight, and I rang May. May rang, David, who knew friends that had gone to the same football game. Both David's friend and National Rail Enquiry informed us that there were severe delays on that line. The woman David had spoken to hadn't even gotten into London until 11:30. May told me that the train this woman had been on would seem like it was almost there and then would back track. I could picture J- getting really angry and getting off the train at a stop to get a train back to Norfolk where he currently lives. But if that was the case, he'd tell me right?

He never showed up. I was in tears at 12:30. I left him a long message urging him to call me as soon as he could to let me know he was okay and left the party with a friend at 1AM.

Once home, I finally was able to fall asleep at 3AM but I woke up at 5:30. I just rang him again, and it still goes to voice mail.

At the beginning of the evening before the trains had even begun to have problems, J- said that he was so annoyed with the game he almost went home instead of coming to meet me and come to this party, but that he had calmed down a bit and was better. I responded that I was glad he didn't go home because I would have been really annoyed if he had. Therefore, I am wondering if he decided to go home once the trains had problems and turned his phone off so as not to deal with my annoyance and would speak to me later when this had all blown over. If that's the case, I will have a difficult time continuing to date him. Turning off his phone so as not to deal with letting me down would show that he only thinks of himself and has little to no regard for my feelings. I would not have been happy, but I would have understood had he just told me. Plus, I would have been able to enjoy the rest of my evening without worry.

Or, maybe his phone died and he had no way to charge it and no way to let me know what had happened. So he went home, arrived insanely late, went to bed, and plans on ringing me later to tell me what happened.

Really hope it is one of those previously mentioned situations or that whatever happened, he is safe. Am sick with worry, unable to sleep, don't know what happened and there is nothing I can do about it. This is my hell.

Plays Well With Others But Has Trouble Sharing

I just had a quick email exchange with someone (she knows who she is) and a little light bulb went bing.

And it all made sense.

I'm quite selfish.

Now, I know I'm nice and giving when it comes to my friends. And, I've been accused of being too giving to (and sometimes by) my ex's. But oh no, that's all a façade. It's a ruse to make you think..."Awww H is so lovely. She's so sweet and nice and giving and funny. I wish she would meet someone as great as she is."

Well, don't you worry. I do meet men as great as I am. They are all selfish too.

Fact is I don't really want to share. I don't really want to give up my time, my space, my travel, my right to leave dirty dishes in the sink and bras on the floor. I want to keep my precious time to myself. I'm greedy.

Let's take a look at my 3 most pressing concerns currently. 1. Will I have enough money to go to Malta to celebrate Mark and Marissa's Wedding, Scotland for Dawn and James's wedding, the US for Christmas and New Year, and New Zealand to visit Laura and Bryce and meet little Mica? 2. I need to lose weight and get fit again, and 3. Is my jet lag finally gone and will I be asleep in an hour?

I'm not worried about my partner or my kids. I'm not being affected by anyone else's problems on a deep intimate and daily level (touch wood that my family remains in good health-that is the only area where at this point I would be affected quite deeply). I read about other peoples problems and feel for them, but at the end of the day the only person I really worry about is me.

I like playing with my friends' kids or babysitting and giving the kids back. I like going to other people's weddings and being touched by the amount of love and sharing between them and celebrating their love with the rest of our mutual friends and acquaintances. Thank goodness someone can share like that.

I went to a psychic once who said to me, 'It's hard to learn how to stand with someone else when you have been standing alone for so long.' With a few exceptions where I had a taste of a serious relationship here and there, I have been standing alone for a very long time. You know it's funny. I can't smoke whole cigarettes any more. I will on rare occasions light them for people and take a few puffs before handing them back. Maybe that's how I am with relationships too. I just want a drag, not the whole cigar.

When I was 35 my biggest fear was that I would get to be 40 and not be married and not have kids and not (gasp) even have a boyfriend. And guess what? I'm 40. I'm not married. I don't have kids. I don't even (gasp) have a boyfriend. But, I'm having a pretty damn good time.

So, when Mr Poopy Pants, as I now call him, asked me, "Why aren't you married?" I should have simply said.

"I'm a selfish bitch."

If I were 3 my preschool anecdotal record would read, "Plays well with other but has difficulty sharing."

So if you'll excuse me now I need to pack for the weekend as I'm off to V-Fest.