I Didn't Know...

that a human breast could be flattened and smooshed like that. Ouch!

And now I believe I have some explaining to do.

Almost 2 weeks ago I had a heavy discussion with J- where I had expressed my unhappiness with our relationship and stated what I wanted to be different. Afterwards I took a long hot bath. As I was bathing I thought it was probably the right time to do the regular breast check. So, I did. To my horror, I found a lump. I freaked.

Now our previous talk had concluded with J- saying that he needed to think about things. He had reassured me that he cared for me etc. but he wasn't certain that he was ready for the serious route our relationship was taking after being together for five months. Despite this my first instinct was to pick up the phone, ring him and tell him what I had just found. However, I didn't want to do that without any medical consultation. So I didn't. This was the Friday before last.

The weekend passed and J- and I had scheduling difficulties that kept us from speaking to each other. We sent texts, but that was about it. The conversation J- said he would finish remained unfinished and I was silently going through my own little piece of hell due to this unwelcome lump in my breast.

Okay, so I can never be completely silent. I told a few friends. On Sunday night, however, despite reassurance from a friend who had been in the same position as me, I couldn't sleep at all.

That Monday I had a doctor's appointment. It was confirmed that yes, I did indeed have a lump. The doctor said it was probably nothing serious but wasn't 100% certain. He referred me to a breast surgeon. I was terrified. Added to that was the fact that I didn't sleep much the night before and so I was wreck. I ended up telling J- about everything on messenger that night. I still wanted to finish our conversation despite this and asked him to ring me. He thought it was best to wait and that I should go to bed considering everything. I did and slept like a log.

The next morning J- sent me a text asking after me. He also chatted to me on MSN, but still didn't ring. The week went on like that. He would text and MSN and not call. I was riding an emotional roller coaster going from thinking all was fine to being petrified. On the bright side , there was a possibility that J- would come down to London on Friday due to work. The fact that I would see him made me feel better about a myriad of things. We would be able to talk through things face-to-face and he would provide me with the loving, calming support I needed.

The work arrangement fell through. I asked him to come anyway considering all that was going on for me. He wouldn't for reasons which all had to do with what was convenient for him and showed absolutely no understanding for what I was going through. I was angry. We had words on line. I asked him to ring me (it was this last Friday eve now) and he said he would. Then he sent a text asking if he could ring me on Saturday during the day please and that on top of everything else that was going with us was the camel's back for me. I didn't need this crap while also going through health concerns. Plus, when I had asked 2 other male friends what they would have done in the same situation, one had said he would have come down and one had said he would have already been down to see me. I was so annoyed I didn't respond to J-'s text.

Then he vanished. At this point all I wanted to do was finish it and get this relationship out of the way so I could focus on myself. I assumed that he was avoiding me because he knew what was coming. So I published this post with some Seinfeld clips for humour. However, I came to find out he wasn't avoiding me at all. He was in fact in hospital after cutting himself and had complications due to another issue. Boy did I feel bad, but not bad enough. It was still over as far as I was concerned.

So on Monday eve we finally spoke on the phone. I told him off a bit and ended it without being wholly confrontational. J- was apologetic. Apparently when we first spoke of our difficulties, he had thought and come to the conclusion that despite how much he cared for me, he couldn't give me what I wanted right now but we never had a chance to talk. Then I found my lump and he didn't feel like it was the appropriate time to tell me what he had decided. He thought it would be horrible for me to hear that he thought he couldn't give me what I wanted while I was going through this issue with my health. And suddenly it all made sense to me. Although he didn't say this, I now understood that the result of how he was feeling ended up with him acting like a wanker- texting and messaging but never calling and not coming down when I needed him the most. Thus, we ended things amicably and J- insisted that I let him know the result of my impending appointment with the surgeon.

As I said earlier I didn't know that a breast could be flattened and smooshed like that. Yesterday I was examined, mammogramed, and ultrasounded. My breasts have never had so many hands on them in one day! All the hands who felt my breast said they could feel the lump and the tests showed....absolutely freaking nothing!!

Apparently I have a hormonal fibrous condition which can result in cysts and will probably just get worse as I get older. (Great!) The breast surgeon said I should have mammograms every 2 years from now on and recommended I take evening primrose oil tablets as that usually helps. I don't really fancy having lumpy boobs, so I will be buying those tablets.

My luck seemed to continue yesterday as I discovered that the drinks were free at the London Bloggers Meet Up and then I won the raffle and now will be able to watch the rugby for free this May.

And so dear readers after 2 weeks of hell, I come to a happy ending. I'm single again but with no hard feelings, I'm healthy and I met some cool and interesting people last night while winning rugby tickets.

Now if I only hadn't woken up this morning ill...